Re: The 2011 Frankfurt Forecaster
News from Frankfurt 2011:
As a cost-cutting excercise, Audi management give the entire design team an extended holiday. A source from Ingolstadt announces, 'The interns can cope in the meantime‘.
VW’s senior management considered asking Porsche design staff to follow suit only to discover they actually have none, merely a gigantic Cray supercomputer called ‘FERD-I’ which flatly refuses to allow anyone into the design studio or co-operate in any way with the ‘Carbon units’.
Bentley introduces a concept displaying the latest iteration of it’s new design ethos. In a further development of the large headlamp motif, forthcoming new models will feature only one single, centrally mounted headlight. We call it ‘Blind Vision‘, claims Dirk van Braeckel, Bentley’s Design Director. We feel this will further differentiate us from Rolls Royce. Our research shows Bentley owners want the emotion of being barely able to see at night’.
During a press conference, Fiat senior management are embarrassed when it is accidentally revealed that Sergio Marchionne is in fact not human, but a cyborg sent from the future to destroy all humanity. This news arouses some consternation, but the fact that Arnie has a bit more time on his hands these days causes some relief in some quarters.
Lexus chief designer, under relentless pressure from an over-excited Chris Bangle, tearfully admits on camera they really haven’t got a clue what they’re doing. ‘We just copy everyone else he weeps. But at least we’re not as crap as Infiniti‘.
Adrian van Hoydoonk falls victim to a bizarre hairdressing tragedy and his fringe/comb-over is accidentally shorn. He spends the entire motor show press day wearing a fedora. In a strange case of synchronicity, BMW’s designs show radical improvement. The errant fringe is placed in a secret sealed vault, in case Van Hoydoonk gets any ideas about reattaching it.
Skoda unveil a new top of the range model based on the VW Phaeton. The Czech’s imaginatively call it the Skoda Fabulous. Sadly, it isn’t.
Mercedes chiefs finally realise that Gorden Wagener is rubbish and sack him. They replace him with… Chris Bangle who hopes we’ll never notice his influence over forthcoming models.