The Geneva 2017 tuner chamber of horrors

Published: 08 March 2017

► Proof that money can’t buy taste?
► Or are we just out of touch in Geneva?
► Our selection of 2017’s scary tuner cars

Every year, without fail, the Geneva motor show serves up some of the wildest and most amazing concepts and prototypes. They’re built by a range of companies – from the largest multi-national, through the smallest supercar manufacturer right down to the tuners and design houses of the world.

On the other hand, many of these more ‘bespoke’ outfits have no shame – because money talks. The finer the donor car, the more likely a recipient it’ll be for a glittery makeover, targeting a line-up (if that’s the right word…) of fund-rich punters who want to stand out from the usual supercar crowd.

In the old days, the most extreme, ugly and plain ridiculous were housed in what became known as Geneva’s ‘hall of shame’, beneath the upper show area. But, in recent years they have been dispersed among the major manufacturers in the main halls.

This has led to some hilarious juxtaposition of stands in 2017 – with Mansory’s Mercedes-Benz G-class-based Gronos 500 facing down the mothership’s very own Maybach G650 Landaulet in a race to the bottom of the taste spectrum.

Here are nine of the absolute worst offenders of automotive dignity. Plus one beauty…

Mansory 4XX Siracusa Spider

Mansory 4XX Siracusa Spider at 2017 Geneva motor show

As much as we approve of tuning a Ferrari to go just that bit quicker than the factory version, the visual compromises that the Siracusa Spider inflicts upon us are too much to bear.

So, we’ll take the twin-turbo 800bhp upgrade on this 488, but that carbonfibre treatment and comedy rear end should have stayed in the 2003 edition of the Carnoisseur catalogue.

Techart Grand GT

Techart Grand GT at the 2017 Geneva motor show

The Porsche Panamera would appear to be 2017’s version of the Ford Capri Ghia judging by the number of dodgy ‘upgrade’ packages floating around Geneva.

This particular 2250kg behemoth now rides lower on 22-inch rims and sports a ghastly Halfords-grade bodykit and an Audi Nano Grey paint job. Power remains unchanged at a mere 550bhp.

Chelsea Truck Company Land Rover Defender 90 ‘The End’ Edition

Chelsea Truck Company The End edition Defender at the 2017 Geneva motor show

Sitting on the Kahn stand alongside an equally gruesome Jeep Wranger, this Land Rover Defender-based effort has been built to ‘celebrate’ the end of the car’s production run.

Available in French Racing Blue, the Chelsea Truck Company says this big ‘End’ edition Defender, ‘exerts a pull on the most discerning of individuals’. If that means you it’s yours for £90,000, plus VAT.

FAB Design Mercedes-AMG G 63 Limousine

FAB Design Mercedes-AMG G 63 Limo at the 2017 Geneva motor show

The FAB team has joined forces with StretchCars to create this G 63 AMG limousine. For those who find the original G-wagen too tight in the rear, the combo will cheerfully insert 75cm of additional wheelbase, and kit out the rear compartment with several cows’ worth of leather.

Expect to see it on the hen-party circuit soon.

Gemballa Avalanche

Gemballa Avalanche at the 2017 Geneva motor show

It’s a name dredged up from the 1980s (the original 911 remix had Testarossa strakes), which is apt, as the styling of this Porsche 911-based monstrosity outdoes anything that decade threw at us.

This one is based on the 991 Turbo, but is boosted 809bhp to give its lucky owner the ultimate thrills in Monaco harbour. Where most tuners seem happy with double-deck rear spoilers, this one’s a triple.

Topcar Inferno

Topcar Inferno at the 2017 Geneva motor show

Russian tuning outfit Topcar bring us this delightful Mercedes-Benz GLE Coupe-based ensemble. The company offers a bespoke tuning and styling catalogue for shrinking violets who think their regular supersize, swoopy-roofed SUV is a bit on the boring side.

Bodykits like this start at €17,080 (around £14,800), but you’ll need to fork out an extra €10,400 (£9000) for those nasty 23-inch alloys. Don’t do it. Your lower back will thank you.

Hamann Evoque Cabrio

Hamann Evoque Carbio at the 2017 Geneva motor show

Innocent cars from Porsche, BMW and Mercedes-Benz have been joined by Range Rover in the gunsights of the tuning brigade.

This Range Rover Evoque cabrio by Hamann sports a widebody look (in glassfibre), to increase of the already portly car’s girth by an additional 70mm. Buy this and be sure that people will stop and stare. And probably laugh out loud.

Mansory GRONOS G500 4x4² Black Desert

Mansory GRONOS G500 4x4 squared at the 2017 Geneva motor show

To be honest, we could have filled this page solely with the line-up from Mansory’s stand. But this one stands out for managing to make Mercedes-Benz’s own G-class Landaulet look dignified.

The ‘Black Desert’ is based on the G500 4x4², but comes with an all-new carbonfibre wide-body kit. We’re struggling with this car, but do love the roof-mounted spotlights.

Eadon Green Black Cuillin

Eadon Green Black Cuillin at the 2017 Geneva motor show

The Eadon Green Black Cuillin packs a 6.0-litre V12 and the company’s founder, Felix Eaton hopes this 5.5-metre long 1930s-style GT will drive from the UK to Spain on one tank.

We’re not saying it’s a horror to look at – it’s very pretty, actually – but its chances on the market are likely to be a bit of a horror story. It’s a plucky start-up, not quite eponymously-named because Eaton superchargers got all legal when Felix announced he was going to name the car after himself…

Monteverdi – showing the moderns how it’s done

Monteverdi at the 2017 Geneva motor show

Is this famous Swiss car company heading for a comeback? We hope so. The firm’s Basel-based museum displayed pretty much its entire back catalogue including the Safari SUV and gorgeous 375L.

Star of the stand, however, was this Monteverdi 650 Hai supercar, one of just two ever made. In terms of design purity and achingly appealing soundtrack, it knocked many of the supercar show debuts into a cocked hat…

Click here for more news from the 2017 Geneva motor show

Some pictures provided by Andrew Elphick

By Keith Adams

Devout classic Citroen enthusiast, walking car encyclopedia, and long-time contributor to CAR