Mercedes E500 Coupé (2009) CAR review

It’s a two-door E-class – or is it? It’s a 5.0-litre – or is it? Well, E500’s a bit of a misnomer, because this is actually a 5.5-litre V8, and the underpinnings come from the C-class. Should make for an agile, powerful mile-eater then. Let’s see how the new E-class Coupé stacks up on the road.

Er, 382bhp and the Mercedes E500 Coupé only has four stars for performance?

Factor a couple of other figures too: 0-62mph in 5.4sec, and a top speed limited to 155mph. Pretty impressive, though probably no more so than you’d expect. And there’s no doubt that the E500 is an enormously fast car, capable of swallowing massive distances and digesting them in an instant.

But it’s not a five-star performer because it doesn’t quite provide the sense of occasion you might have expected, and much of that is down to tardy step-off. Blame the stodgy long-travel throttle or the reluctant auto 'box, but even in Sport mode (press the little button on the dash and you’ll feel dampers and throttle tauten) that initial moment when you hit the gas, that first burst that really ought to make you swear out loud, it just doesn’t. 

Sounds like a disappointment already...

Don’t worry, it’s not. But if you’re expecting an M3 rival, look elsewhere. Sure, this thing is doorstepping £50k, and it’s only 5in longer than the BMW but, remember, Merc plays that game with C63 AMG. Here you’ve got a suave, amply powerful coupé that’s aimed more at cruisers and autobahn-stormers than tail-happy B-road freaks.

Get that in your head, get used to the, er, more refined nature of the Merc’s standing start and you’ll begin to revel in its sheer effortlessness. That long-travel throttle comes into its own when you’re up to speed, allowing you to modulate your attack on the horizon with millimetric precision. And with the torque convertor all wound up, sudden bursts of acceleration will result in profanity. Because then the E500 starts to live up to its name, however disingenuous that might be.

It’s all accompanied by a fabulously opulent V8 growl that grows to thunderous proportions as you round the clock. But back off and it’s as refined as a limo.

Does the new E-class Coupé handle?

Not surprisingly, it handles like a big V8 Merc. Much of that statement is good. Other stuff first. The steering is way too light to be proper fun. It’s quick and decently accurate but completely mute, the kind of steering that goes with cruising one-handed while ruffling your mullet with the other. And fans of massive, smoky tail-slides better stick to that M3 or C63 (see our video test of hotrod performance saloons here).

Good stuff: this car is massively stable and confident, yet it feels pretty compact – more C- than E-size, appropriately.

Wind it up on a B-road and it’ll be crinkling a smile from your chops at every corner, thanks to keen turn-in, great poise, massive grip and (just) enough understeer to keep you comfortably short of white knuckles. It’s got the cruising speed thing all stitched up too, doing motorways virtually in silence, plotting a true course in crosswinds and remaining thoroughly calm across corrugated surfaces. And it rides well too, firm for sure, but deftly controlled and never harsh.

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