► The most sluggish cars available in the UK
► Photography courtesy of passing milk floats
► Originally published in CAR February 2015
Put it this way: LaFerrari is doing 186mph by the time these bad boys make the national speed limit.
1) VW Up 1.0 – 0-62mph 15.3sec
Up in smoke is where your plans of making it to that appointment on time are headed when your steed is this tardy teuton. Your tyres on the other hand will remain virginal, with a meagre 59bhp at your disposal.
Trousers taken down by: 1985 Fiesta 1.1 (15sec)
2) Toyota iQ multidrive – 15.3sec
Toyota’s engineering department focused all its quickest minds on the iQ’s fiendishly clever packaging – and presumably the slowest on sorting the horsepower. Mate the multidrive CVT option with the base 1.0 motor and you don’t want to get cocky with that Perodua-driving pensioner in the next lane.
Trousers taken down by: 1984 Toyota Starlet 1.0 (13.3sec)
3) Toyota Aygo – 15.5sec
A second Toyota entry, this time for a newer but even slower machine, the Ay-barely-go. Only thing that’s hot is the front end, that looks like a hot cross bun.
Trousers taken down by: 1966 Honda S800 (13.4sec)
4) Citroen C-Zero – 15.9sec
It made have benefitted from zero local emissions and silent running, but that was about all that was in favour of the oddball C-Zero. One thing was for sure: it was more like g-zero when it comes to acceleration, its electric motor casually propelling it from 0-62mph in 15.9sec.
Trousers taken down by: 1996 GM EV1 (9sec)
5) Fiat Doblo – 15.9sec
With no peppy Twinair engine available to gee up base versions of Fiat’s odd-looking MPV, performance is more sedentary than a sloth with a daytime telly addiction. At least you can keep repeating the sprint without suffering from crippling range anxiety, unlike the Citroen.
Trousers taken down by: 1979 FSO Polonez (14.5sec)
6) Skoda Fabia 1.2 – 16.5sec
For buyers unsure that they’re ready for 2014’s all-new fireball Fabia 1.0’s 15.7sec 0-62mph ‘sprint’, Skoda still offers the old model, which gets there in a more soothing 16.5. Mind you, there’s nothing relaxing about attempting to join a motorway in a car with the A to B performance of a Hawaiian lava flow.
Trousers taken down by: 1949 Cadillac Series 62 (16.2sec)
7) Smart Forfour – 16.9sec
The latest Smart is so slow it’s like a time machine: by the time you get where you’re going you’ve missed three birthdays, your mobile phone is obsolete and your cat’s died.
Trousers taken down by: 1984 Lada Riva (16.5sec)
8) Suzuki Alto auto – 17.0sec
A full-bore acceleration run in Suzuki’s Alto will leave the driver broken long before the 62mph mark. Still, it’s only third slowest in our list. Must try even less hard next time, Suzuki.
Trousers taken down by: 1985 Yugo 55 GLS (16.8sec)
9) Peugeot Partner Teepee – 17.1sec
Named after a tent because it’s as enthusiastic about moving as the native Americans were during the Trail of Tears persecution years – and it also rides like one of their wood-wheeled wagons.
Trousers taken down by: 1985 Renault Espace (12.5sec)
10) Peugeot Expert Teepee LWB – 20.7sec
Okay, so it’s clearly a van in drag, but we wouldn’t advise any traffic light racing in this whale. While Peugeot doesn’t explicitly refer to it as a GTi, the standard wheelbase version slashes the sprint to a comparatively hypercar-like 18.5sec.
Trousers taken down by: 1952 Mercedes 220 saloon (20.5sec)